Voice Work & Gender Expression

Ever since I can remember I've been manipulating my voice. My natural speaking voice has always been low and deep. It sounded more like a grown man than a 3 year old girl so I would imitate valley girls and white girls from soap operas, much to my family's chagrin. They would tell me to "speak normal," to be myself but they didn't understand that I was trying to code-switch, to sound 'like a girl.' I knew I didn't always feel girly and as a child I thought I should, because the other girls I knew did. (This was decades before I'd found myself in the term, genderfluid, so I thought because I was called 'girl' I must then 'be girl.') Friends didn't hear 'fem voice,' they said I "talked white. " This ability to imitate voices stayed with me as I grew older, even though it was more subconscious.

At 32 years old, as I lecture to my students, record podcast episodes, or facilitate workshops and webinars I notice my audience finds it hilarious how often my voice changes. If I'm telling a story, or sharing an experience with microaggressions my voice is altered. I don't even realize I'm doing it now.  When my voice reaches fem levels, or even takes its natural baritone it is a way for me to express myself. My altered voice signals to the listener that this is not my point of view but the perpetrator of the microaggression. It is how my characters speak to me when I am writing a story, and now I do that in conversation without missing a beat.

A point of contention when I was little, my voice is something that I now analyze. When I need something, especially from a man, I notice how high my voice gets as I make my request. When I am tired, powerful or comfortable, my voice takes on its natural state. A state that I have come to recognize as strong black and unbothered woman. When I am unsure of how my gender fluidity, or my blackness will be perceived, the code-switching-Sorry-to-Bother-You-customer-service-voice makes an appearance before I can stop it. Rather than stopping myself from code-switching, I used this fem high octave voice to alert me to the fact that I have entered into an unsafe environment.

I recently sat in a room full of white people. I was the only black girl in the room and maybe because it was the end of the day, or maybe because I have a new rule, to not be the only black or queer girl in the room anymore but whatever the reason, my fem/socially acceptable voice refused to appear. I was authentically myself and I felt the anger from the folks in the room who wished I would conform. That I would only speak when spoken to, that I would sit and learn rather than share my knowledge. The white fragility was sophiscating.

My voice has gone from being a layer of protection, a way to hide, to fit in, to simply, a tool for me to express myself in an animated fashion. I suppose this is good progress. It reflects a sense of security. It shows that I am enough, deep voice and all, that I don't need to hide. It shows that I see that I have power, as I am, and if someone rejects my voice as it naturally leaves my lips they are not worth my time or energy.