COVID-19 has raised complicated feelings TW: attempted suicide

I find myself irritated and overwhelmed during this global pandemic. As a law student, a teacher, an equity and inclusion trainer, as a mother, a black person, as someone who identifies as queer, each of my identities is feeling the weight of this moment.

The irritation is a sign of my depression and anxiety. Depression creeps in as a response to the uncertainty of this situation, which is only heightened by my anxiety. For me, being someone who needs to recharge alone, and who hasn't had much of that since law school started, I feel like this time to process my thoughts, in a safe space surrounded by my loved ones, has kept my depression at bay. Yet there are still unexpected moments of unforeseen sorrow as I think of, not only how this pandemic is affecting me and my family but the most vulnerable of our population.

The fact that the Navajo Nation has reported as many cases as the entire state of New Mexico makes me sick with grief. Sadly, I know it is only a matter of time before our prison system, shelters for the homeless and nursing homes see the same numbers. This pandemic is showing the institutional oppressive systems in our country in a way that no one can continue to deny. When I see how people are dying after trying home remedies and experimental cures, I see that being able to differentiate between fake news and scientific evidence is a privilege granted to people who could afford higher education. It also shows what happens when people can't afford healthcare.

The fact that some people can afford to stay home without stress, who have a safe place to post jokes and memes on social media shows the class disparities in our system. On the other hand, it also reminds me that some of us have to joke through this situation to survive it.

People bragging about how they stocked up ahead of the sheltering place order reminds me that compassion and empathy are not innate.

As a person of color, specifically a black women, the hyper-vigilance that I navigate everyday with, is suddenly at a new level. This of course impacts how I prepare our sons to move in the world. But how much do I share with them now, when their lives are changing with each press release? Will the end of this pandemic allow us to see one another as equals once and for all or will it further divide us?

Being queer means that I familiarized myself with the statistics of homeless youth. The majority are queer identifying. How does one shelter in place when they don't have a regular place to stay and are not welcomed at home? What about those who are immune compromised? The communities that are hard hit are the ones who were already pushed out and silenced before this.

I'm overwhelmed because my youngest is showing signs of worry and sadness which triggers me because I am someone who attempted suicide twice before my 13th birthday.

I have mixed feelings about being asked to continue my second semester of law school by the ABA because the world is experiencing something that has the ability to shut us down for the foreseeable future yet we as students, and faculty, are asked to keep going as though this will all pass and we will return to normal. I understand the economy needs this to be true, I understand that our livelihoods need this to be true but there are moments where I just do not have the capacity to put this all on the back burner and return to caring about the grade I received on my Property quiz and yet it also saving me. To be at home with something to do, something that feels truly important makes it easier to escape what is going on out there.

Preparing "lesson plans" for our sons while discussing what they want their learning to look like moving forward is leading to interesting conversations. Being able to see them more than an hour before they go to school and a few hours before they go to sleep is a blessing, but I hate calling it that when people are dying.

Complicated feelings of guilt, relaxation, and fear are where I'm at. Scrolling through social media provides information but also sadness, not only for the heartbreaking state of medical professionals not having what they need, but that the racism and hate crimes experienced by people of Asian descent, the lack of testing provided to people who aren't wealthy or celebrity status. It all only reminds me of why I chose law school, why I'm an equity and inclusion trainer and yet it is too much. Usually these things happen in pockets but now it's the microaggressions of jokes about testing positive that I had to endure while I waited for my mom's COVID-19 results. It's the racist slurs towards Asian Americans that remind me that people of color will always be the "other." The fact that school being cancelled meant many students would be going hungry. The reality that severe child abuse cases are on the rise with school closures. All of this is happening at once to reveal that we have so much work to do. Those of us who have been saying this the entire time are reminded of how much work there is and at this moment we feel helpless. Confined to our homes, what can we do?

We can try and let ourselves off the hook. We can understand that this is going to take a lot more than just us. We can breathe. We can look at this as a moment in time which will pass, even if we don't know the end date. We can try.