Can We Finally Talk About Sex?
Recently I've been consuming alot of queer media. Podcasts, televison shows and films, where the main character identifies as some form of queer. The sex scenes in these films mirror my own, where there is conversation, consent, laughter and connection. The online reaction to these shows and films is often, "that's unrealistic" or even the common, "if you portray consent on film won't the sex scene lose its luster/appeal-kill the mood?" These comments matter because they are not only said toward a work of fiction but in real life. When someone is assaulted or when a victim feels they were assaulted, often one of the reasons they won't come forward is because what they experienced wasn't textbook assault. It wasn't in a dark alley, it wasnt a stranger and up until a certain point, they were into it. But here's the thing, good consensual sex requires asking, "does that feel good?" "Do you like that?" "Should I keep doing that?" multiple times. Throughout the entire experience you are requesting consent and allowing room for your partner(s) to change their mind and stop. Consent is an enthusiastic yes multiple times and queer shows seem to get this. I don't know why cishet shows and films don't.
I am not saying that the LGBTQI+ community doesn't also have issues with sexual violence and sexual assault, what I'm saying is that queer culture makes room for the discussion. I think it's because Sex Ed, when it is taught in school, is only done so heterosexually (and for the purpose of reproduction), so if your sex life isn't that, you have to have very blatant and deliberate conversations with your partner because you don't have diagrams from 5th grade to fall back on. However this outdated practice of Sex Education is just as damaging to cishet folks who are not taught about pleasure or how to communicate about it other than those very straight parameters. The Sex Education classes are taught with a sexist gaze where women have eggs and are just waiting for a sperm to breach them so that babies can be made. It completely omits the fact that the egg does alot of work in getting fertilized. But we don't even include the actual biology because we don't want to talk about sex or equality or women. Still, in 2019 women's role in sex is supposed to be passive and willing, not horny or excited or domineering.
Every semester when I introduce this speech topic, my students (who are all adults) find themselves embarrassed at first. When I explain that TWOC (trans women of color) are the most victimized group in the world and often rely on sex work to survive, you see a pause. When I state that young people are often forced to be sex workers due to lack of options for housing, education, food and employment, you see a realization appear on their faces. When I tell them that this is one of the oldest professions and yet it is deemed illegal because...why? We begin a discussion. Sex is normal and pleasurable and everyone has a right to feel good and confident when it comes to acknowledging they are sexual beings. When I explain that people living with disabilities are often not allowed this right and find hiring sex workers is the most humanizing way to experiment and learn about their sexual selves, then my students begin to see the disparities. When I mention that sex workers being seen as illegitimate causes them to easily be disregarded and victims of violent crime because they cannot report it due to their job, I see sadness on my student's faces. When I talk about our already taxed prison system and how expensive it is to be poor and how unprotected women and children and queer people are, then it starts to be obvious why sex work should be legal.
When we explore the extremely religious colonization of the US we see how the patriarchy made a women's body political. How one of the few ways that women could be financially independent was through selling her body on her own terms we see why these these arbitrary laws exist.
The stigma surrounding sex work, STDs and STI's is palpable but it is also perpetuating a cycle of violence where any association with either makes you an outcast in society.
As my students have this discussion and form their speech outlines with their groups, they start to talk about safety. They talk about human rights, and the freedom to choose. They always impress me with their compassion as in just 15 minutes they realize that maybe their beliefs about sex and sex work have never been challenged, that they have been raised to believe that it is taboo for no real reason.
**I feel I have to say, sex work and sex trafficking are two very different things. Sex work is voluntary. Sex trafficking is not and involves kidnapping, manipulation and coercion. Sex trafficking is a form of slavery. While one may find themselves in sex work out of necessity, if it were legal we would be able to enforce an age limit and remove displaced children and teens from the scene and help them find other opportunities for work or education. As it stands now, they are too terrified to ask for help because of shame and fear of incarceration.
**Decriminalizing sex work would be ideal as legalization can still be harmful but this distinction is premature for the level of conversation we are having in class.
If you like how I write, check out how I speak. May 18th Carli Romero and I will be co-facilitating our Workshop, Surviving Microaggressions. Get your tickets.
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