Not she, her, hers nor am I he, him, his or even they, them theirs, I'm Val

Photo credit: Kendra Berglund 

About a year ago I read an article with my students which talked about the gender stereotypes that many trans people felt compelled to follow both during and after their transition. The author stated that their one wish for trans awareness month was for people who have fought to be their authentic selves to be their authentic selves regardless of stereotypes. This rang true for me as I was finally learning the vocabulary for my gender.

Woman, female, she, her, have never been words that resonated with me growing up. But neither was man, male, and he. When I realized that gender fluid existed I felt seen heard and acknowledged. Even today if you ask me what my preferred pronouns are I would have to say, Val. I don't feel like a they, but I always feel like a Val. Val is funny, smart, witty, proud, selfless, extremely introverted, a deep thinker, and always learning. Val stands for someone that loves deeply and whole-heartedly and tries to lift everyone up.

Being gender fluid as well as pansexual I have noticed that I look at people as people. I don't see them as male or female I simply see them. This has led to me wearing short skirts, tall boots and long jackets and not understanding the male gaze. Aren't I just a person in clothes? But that's the problem with always seeing myself as an outlier who didn't quite get the term, "boy crazy" or the double standard that was placed upon women. I was so confused as to how people forced their perceptions into two genders. Boy crazy? You mean you aren't like me and falling in love with everyone? How could that be? How are you not attracted to someone simply because their gender didn't line up to what you were supposed to like? Like really, her breasts and vagina make her less beautiful to you because you share the same parts? Straightness truly perplexed me.

Being gender fluid is confusing because I do find that people don't believe me because I present as female but I don't know how to dress ambiguously, or fluid, or androgynous. I simply wear what I like to wear whether it's in the male or female part of the store. I know what I like and I don't see why I have to change how I dress or do my make up so that I fill your perception of what a gender fluid pansexual black Val should look like. Does a dress make me more fluid? Does the fact that I rarely, if ever, wear a bra make me more fluid? Do colored tights make me less fluid? Is the fact that I'm growing out my hair make me more fem? What about when I feel like applying eyeliner, what gender does that make me? This idea that gender is binary, that there is a concrete definition, is archaic and damaging. It's hard enough figuring out who you are but to find out and then be told that you have to convince the rest of the world, is utterly unnecessary and at times just cruel.

Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Stop making people around you repeatedly come out, until you are convinced they are in fact who they say they are.