Shut Up & Listen Isn't Always the Best Advice

Photo Credit: Kendra Berglund

Recently I posted on our All This Instagram that the best thing an ally can do is listen but during my TED Talk I explained that allys need to speak for us, with us, and about us, so if you are an ally and you're wondering what the heck you're supposed to do because you're hearing contradictions let me try and be clear.

1.  When should you speak up: When you see something say something. Meaning when you are out (or in), and you are with a person that looks different from you, who has a different background and experience and everyone else looks like you and they start telling a "joke" or explaining to this "other" person what it is like to be a part of that "other" group (even though they are not a part of it) this is your opportunity to speak.  Say, "hey this isn't your conversation," or "hey don't speak over them," or "I'm offended by what you are saying," or any variation of those statements.  (By the way: You don't say, "You are upsetting the person of color/women/religious minority in the room," just speak for yourself.)  Here's why it's okay and encouraged to speak up in these situations.  As a woman and a person of color, there are times when I have been the only one in the room that looks like me, and I will get offended by a racist or sexist comment but because I am the only one, when I do say something, the other folks in the room will say, "Well, I think you're overreacting because I was joking," and everyone else in the room immediately backs them up or go silent.  They have silenced me in that moment and they will continue to do so because my opinion is just not valid.  So that is when an ally is much appreciated because their skin color, gender, or other form of privilege, allows them to speak and be listened to.  Good rule of thumb: whenever you are using your privilege to bring a silenced voice to the forefront you should continue speaking.

2. You should speak up when you are surrounded by people that look like you.  If you are in a room with your family, or friends and all of you grew up in the same place, have the same racial identity, the same gender, the same social class, this is when we feel safe to talk about "touchy" subjects.  This is when you should say, "hey now that we are in safe place let me tell you about how I've been examining my own privilege and what I am doing to combat that."  When you say this to a mixed group of folks they may see your progress as trivial or condescending, where as when you say it with your friend or family group they may say that as well but you will hear them say it rather than give up on your journey of self-discovery.  Your friend and family group may also say, "wow I never thought of that," and because you are among loved ones, they will hear you rather than get defensive.

3. When you should listen: When you are in a group with people of all different backgrounds and you are a part of the non-marginalized group, this is not your time to shine.  This is not your time to explain how many black and brown people you know.  This is not your time to claim that you see the world as post racial because you voted for Obama.  Nope, this isn't your moment to humble brag, or share your progress, this is your time to learn and to extend your compassion.  Do no argue with the person of color as they say that they are oppressed.  Do not ask for proof.  Do not try and challenge their struggle with your own because you're a woman, or because you were bullied growing up.  I'm not denying your struggle I'm just saying in this situation, it doesn't matter.  Everyone has struggled in some way or form but when we are talking about racism and sexism we are talking about a system of oppression that has plagued people of color and women for centuries.  This generational struggle impacts health, education, livelihood and every other aspect of our lives and by design we are powerless to change it.  That fact is only exacerbated when non-marginalized group members ignore that it exists by saying things like,"are you sure that was discrimination?"  I ask you, how do you fix something when half the country refuses to acknowledge that anything is broken?

In this new year, lets promise to do better.  Let's look within ourselves and examine how we are contributing to the problem.  Let's listen to others.  Let's speak up when our voice can do the most good rather than just be loudest in the room because we can.