During this time we don't need your F--kin Apology

Folks are having a real hard time watching their hero's fall from grace as these allegations come out but it's also revealing the larger class, race and gender disparities we have in this country. In the case of famous Hollywood actresses being included on the cover of Time Magazine as the Silence Breakers while snubbing Tarana Burke the woman of color who created the Me Too movement years ago. Not to mention that male victims are even less believed than female victims which is saying something, as terms such as victim shaming and blaming have a place in our vernacular. Terry Crews and Corey Feldman were on the forefront of breaking that barrier bias but were not on the cover. Apparently to be a silence breaker you have to be pretty, famous and female.

The idea that sexual violence and sexual harassment is a female issue is not new but it's dangerous because it perpetuates the stereotype that only women can be victims when the reality is women can be abusers as well and no one is safe from abuse. It doesn't matter what you drink, what you wear, what your gender identity is or your age. Senior citizens, children and infants are also sexually mistreated yet we oversimplifimy the issue as one that only effects women it makes it harder for abusers to be punished and for victims to receive help or justice.

The fact that rich politicians are continuing to serve as our nation's voices after admitting or being accused of sexual misconduct is disgusting and indicative of how we do not believe victims, we see them as less than, as people who are not to be trusted. We are quick to point out holes in their stories and personal flaws while holding up the accused as pillars of society, people that made us laugh or created a great body of work, good Christians. The amount of times women have told me that they don't sympathise with female victims - that they are gold digging, lazy, opportunistic, liars who waited too long to come forward is too many.

The idea that some abusers are seen as not as bad as others is also horrific. Al Franken, who was received with much less loathing than the president or Roy Moore, is one example. Social media has been circulating Franken's resignation speech, praising him and explaining how he's one of the good ones. Here’s the thing, I have mixed emotions about the pot calling the kettle black. We all know that 45 is a sexual predator and Franken calling him out as he resigns due to sexual misconduct is problematic. Also Democrats, let's not break anything patting ourselves on the back for doing the right thing/the bare minimum; you assault peole, violate people, you should step down and face jail time period. Comparing Franken's actions to Moore's as though Franken's are less, is stupid. They were both predatory, they both were men in power abusing someone else. End of story.

No we are not raising a generation of crybabies by listening to victims and letting them come forward, we are raising a generation of accountability where being wealthy, male, white, or famous doesn't mean you can touch, speak to, or penetrate anyone you please. We are raising a generation where claiming to be someone's best friend doesn't mean you can berate  them for days until they are finally too tired to push you off of them. Girls rape, friends rape, romantic partners rape, family members rape, and it's about damn time that it is common knowledge not whispered secrets that we accept.

Power by the way is just one aspect. To the accused who are saying that their horrible conduct was only horrible because they were in a position of power is half the fact. Exposing oneself, putting your hands on someone else, is still a violation and wrong it isn't made wrong because you also sign that person's paycheck. Saying no isn't the only way to show you didn't give consent. If someone is unconscious they can't give consent, if someone is scared they can't give consent. Phrases like, "I'm tired," "I'm in a relationship," "I'm not sure," "I'm a virgin," "Maybe another time," "I have work/school/plans tomorrow," are all different ways to say no. So the excuse coming from alleged perpetrators that they didn't hear the word no, is bullshit. We make it very hard for women, children, and poor people to say no in our society so to expect them to say it when they feel unsafe, outnumbered, or pressured, is an extremely high standard. If someone moves away from you as you scoot closer, they don't want to be there. Stop rationalizing and explaining away your behavior. You violated them. It doesn't matter if it was alot or a little, if you were in a postion of power or not, if you were male or female, if you knew the victim or not, you violated them. You are not less or more guilty you are simply guilty.

We live in a society that is obsessed with apologizing. Apologies can be good if they respect the victim, not if they are spoken in order to bring compassion towards the accused in hopes of revitalizing their career, or a way to justify their actions. Too often these apologies are not genuine, they are excuses for the accused to stay relevant, to voice their side. We don't need to hear your side, you took advantage of someone else, this is the time for you to sit and be quiet and think about how you will avoid doing that ever again not rally support. It is not your job to make everyone okay with what you did. It is not your job to fix what you did by going to the victim's home and offering them cash, presents or your apology.

How quick we are to defend abusers, to mention their children, to give them privacy, to remember all the good times we had with them in the past, to speak about their talent, where is that compassion and empathy for the victims? The ones that survived something miserable and still wake up everyday and go back to their lives in the midst of PTSD, depression and anxiety? Where is our compassion to those that we all let down?

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, call the Sexual Assault Youth Support Network 575.386.5690 or visit saysn.org